Ulquiorra Is the Prince John of the Espada
by Qismat Qami
Summary: AU, crack!fic, slight Ulqui/Ichi. Has Ulquiorra's Hollow hole moved or is Ichigo just seeing things?


**Warnings:** AU, humor, crack!fic, Ichigo's teenage hormones, Ulquiorra's mysteriously migrating Hollow hole

**Characters:** Ulquiorra + Ichigo

**Chapter Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Owned by Kubo Tite, et al.

**Summary:** Has Ulquiorra's Hollow hole moved or is Ichigo just seeing things?

**A/N:** Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.

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::Ulquiorra Is the Prince John of the Espada::

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It's been bothering Kurosaki Ichigo for a while now, this thought, this question of a thought. It pops up during moments of boredom or inattention—such as when Aizen is giving another communal mindfuck to an assembly of Arrancars. It blindsides him while he's taking a crap in one of the four toilets in all of Las Noches or avoiding another of Tousen's lectures on the metaphysics of justice and peace. Even at night—or what passes for night beneath the Dome—the question butts in, bursting the growing bubble of dreaming and smacking him right back down into his thoughts.

Has Ulquiorra's Hollow hole moved or is Ichigo just seeing things?

It's not like he's spent a lots time looking at the Arrancar; perhaps if he did then the answer would already be in his grasp. No, all Ichigo has is the disquieting feeling that something, _something_ is different about the Fourth Espada, and this difference is the result of snail-slow progression.

Not the hair or mask fragment. Not the clothes or footwear. Or even the color of his fingernails. Ulquiorra hasn't aged, as far as Ichigo can tell. But something visible, something Ichigo would notice—if only peripherally—has changed about the Fourth.

It's the hole, Ulquiorra's Hollow hole. And has it? Yes, it must have. It has to have moved since Ichigo met him all those years ago when Aizen and the other two captains left Soul Society. He doesn't remember all that much from the first tumultuous year of living in his new home: most of his time had been taken up adjusting to the fact that Hollows were no longer his enemies, but rather tools of his foster father, and dealing with all the attendant crises of melodrama that entering into puberty brought. He hardly spared a moment to memorize the exact location of the holes in Aizen's new guard.

But he swears, _swears_, that Ulquiorra's hole had been closer to his throat, right butt up at the base of it, in fact. If only he had some sort of picture or something of the Arrancar from that time period—if only Arrancar and Hollows in general could be captured with cameras—then he could compare it to the Ulquiorra of today, whose hole is definitely several inches lower, like a whole hole-length lower, right there at just below the clavicle.

Maybe Aizen or Uncle Gin would know or have noticed something, but would he get a straight answer from either if he asked?

Now that he's actually sitting down—figuratively—to think about this, he has another concern: will the hole go any lower, to, like, Grimmjow-hole level? Do Hollow holes migrate? Ooh, that's rather disturbing. One day it's in your chest, the next you have no dick. Ichigo winces and quickly shoves that line of consideration away, all the while unable to avoid giving his own safe-and-sound tackle box a comforting pat. You know, just to make sure and all. Castration anxiety is a _bad_ thing.

But, geez, what if Ichigo isn't just seeing things, or isn't just mis-remembering? Maybe… maybe he should bring this up with Ulquiorra. After all, isn't that sort of the reason why he's been skulking around the halls the Fourth most often traverses on his little errands for Aizen? Could a, a migrating hole—and, wow, that really sounds dirty now that he takes a second to review his description—be the indication of something far more sinister? Can Arrancars, or Hollows for that matter, get diseases? Ah, yes, the feared Migrating Hole Syndrome. Please insert dramatic music.

He chokes on snort of amusement. Maybe it's an STD. Ah, but no, not possible. Who would Ulquiorra willingly have sex with? Who would have sex with him? Ichigo revises that last thought with a slight mental blush—totally not a physical blush, totally not. Nu-uh, no way. Stupid hormones and their boner surprises. Ugh. Why do all his thoughts, no matter how innocuous, always return to naughty things?

He gives his head a quick shake and refocuses back on the topic at hand: Ulquiorra and his hole. His sense of humor gives a dirty snigger, and he quickly amends that with "his _Hollow_ hole." Not any other kind of hole… Shit, mental images. This is not a productive line of thinking, Kurosaki! Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. Think about something else. Dead… uh, puppies. Squished—by a… a truck, a big truck.

"Are you ill?"

Ichigo stills, head tilted back for another corrective journey into the pearl-white wall before him. Neck cracking, he turns his face to the owner of the verbal query, the saturnine, imperturbable owner.

Speak of the devil.

Batting aside the little voice that chortles "Devil's hole" in the back of his mind, he offers up a smile that must look guilty as sin; and Ichigo doesn't even have anything to feel guilty about, naughty thoughts aside—and what kind of teenager would he be without those?

"Uh, no, not so much. I'm perfectly healthy, that is." Hmm, the subject is health, perhaps a perfect time to, you know, see if his Migrating Hole Syndrome thing holds any water—or something. "And you? No sharp, stabbing chest pains?"

Is blatantly ogling the Arrancar's hole too subtle? Because Ulquiorra isn't answering, isn't moving or doing anything. Ichigo makes a circular gesture on his own chest when there's still no response, other than a blank, unreadable, unblinking stare. Maybe Ulquiorra can't see the gesture, what with Ichigo still facing the wall and all.

Or maybe the Fourth hasn't noticed the new position of his aperture. After all, it's not like the place is rife with mirrors or reflective surfaces of any kind. Hell, if the lack of bathing and toilet facilities is anything to go by, there's not much use for bodily self-exploration either. An aside thought intrudes, causing Ichigo to wonder, not for the first time, if the Arrancars masturbate. He shuts that down before a brand new blush can invade his cheeks, but not before the logical follow up thought of "Do Hollows masturbate?" pops in.

Apparently, the Fourth has decided to let Ichigo stew in a broth of his own awkwardness, and that makes the boy a little miffed. Does he have to jump out and demand to know what's up with the Espada's Hollow hole? Is tact, and, yes, he's calling his previous approaches tactful—goddamn full of tact, not just tactful but tact-_full_— dead? Fine then. It's never been Ichigo's style pick and choose his approach with overmuch care. Instinct can cover a lot of situations just fine.

"Has your hole always been in that exact location?"

Ulquiorra gives him a blandly considering look, hands motionless in the pockets of his white _hakama_. "What is the point in this line of questioning?"

"Your hole, it's moved hasn't it? It's lower now."

"I am not aware of any change in my"—delicate pause—"hole."

Ichigo's brain must have shut-down at this point because, when all the whirling, giggling pubescent thoughts finally subside, Ulquiorra has passed him and continued on down the passageway, around the corner and out of sight. Ichigo scrubs at the blush lighting his cheeks. If he didn't actually get an answer, at least he can take solace in the fact that the Fourth didn't attempt to make some lame gag out of their brief exchange—something along the lines of "What hole?"

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After Word: After rereading the Bleach manga, the author has come across something a little peculiar: Ulquiorra's Hollow hole has moved since his first appearance. It used to be at the base of the throat and now, in the latest chapter releases (340-347), it appears to have shifted down to below his clavicle or thereabouts. This got zir thinking about that 1993 Mel Brooks comedy _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_where Prince John has a mole that migrates around his face from scene to scene—even the Sheriff takes a few lines to mention this, culminating with PJ's gag line of "I have a mole?!" Then again, the author could just be seeing things. That happens a lot.

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End file.
